Healing does not mean forgetting.
Healing is being able to function through your grief, while still remembering. At some point, we started to smile and laugh more.
I was able to smile and laugh, without it being followed with guilt.
The times filled with tears have started to get fewer, and further between. I still may not be able to see certain things without thoughts of Connor crashing back, but I think that will never leave. However, now I handle it in a better way.
Let's face it. Avoiding anything and everything to do with a baby wouldn't work forever. It barely worked for a few weeks. Instead, the healing had to start taking place. I had to be able to smile and mean it, during a difficult time.
I think healing takes a conscious effort. This is strictly my opinion. However, I have talked with someone who has become very dear to me about this. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing something we talked about. Grief and pain are always hiding directly under the surface. I could always find it, and instantly bring it to the surface. I have to make a conscious effort to carry on and leave it where it lies.
This isn't saying that I'm ignoring it, or not dealing with it. I just can't spend every day all day crying. It isn't practical or healthy. So, we go about our lives. Daily life continues on, even when in the beginning it seemed like there was no way it could. We do things by ourselves, that I imagined taking Connor to for his "firsts". We have to. We can't stop living and healing, because he isn't here. We do remember him and honor him while living our daily lives.
I think all of this is part of healing.
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