Friday, July 25, 2014

Insta Friday

It has been nearly a year since I have participated in Insta Friday. I have still followed Life Rearranged on Facebook and the blog itself. I had lost touch with Instagram. I lately found my love for Instagram again, so I decided to jump back into Insta Friday. 

Here is my week in Instagram pictures: 

The weather has been super nice off and on, which is very odd for this time of year. 
On this day, a picnic lunch completed the perfect view and weather.

Mike, my husband, likes to pretend we are still crazy super young people.
He surprised me with tickets to see a midnight movie at one of my favorite theaters.
I fell asleep for about 5 minutes approximately 5 or more times.

The following night was chilly enough for a fire in the fire pit. 

Followed by a family day in the park Sunday.
It involved another picnic, reading, and playing.

Our local library had a book sale this week. $2 per bag. 
I found these neat old cookbooks.I love old church/community cookbooks.
I'm not sure if I will ever make anything out of them, but I just like the look of them.

A hike on a local trail through some woods. 

This is Ella's favorite position. She is constantly watching for a rabbit or squirrel. Sometimes, we let her out to chase them (they always escape). We always try to get them to move first, but they are stubborn. She gets too worked up just watching them.

life rearranged

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Something New

I have not done one of Mama Kat's writing workshops in a long time. I figured this week was a perfect time to get back involved with the writing workshop, with my goal to write more.

I chose:
3.) Something new.

I have the perfect inspiration to write a post about something new. This post connects back to another writing workshop assignment. It happened last September: 

Remodeling Ideas

I wrote about how I wanted to redo our bedroom in a yellow and gray theme. I finally began to do that this summer. For my birthday, I bought a beautiful quilt (similar to the original mentioned in the above post: 

It is reversible. That means if I ever want that fun chevron instead of floral, it is easy to make it happen! I love it. It makes me smile every time I see it. However, it still doesn't make me want to make my bed each day. 

The only other thing I have done so far is to wrap my yarn letters in a gray shade, instead of the old teal yarn they were wrapped in: 

I really love how these turned out as well! I will slowly change the whole room, and attached bathroom into the yellow and gray theme. I look forward to finding new things to put in there. 

Mama’s Losin’ It

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I am not my grief.

Still Standing Magazine recently posted a link up. It is one that I can fully get behind. The link up involves an exercise for us all to realize we are not our grief. Also, it is to help people within the pregnancy/infant loss community to learn more about each other, grief aside. I really liked this idea, and decided to jump in and participate! 

If you would like to see the explanation of the challenge you can find it here:

I will post ten questions that were asked on the above page, and answer them.

1. What are you reading right now?

I am in a book club. The book I'm reading currently is for said book club. It is titled "And She Was" by Alison Gaylin. I am approximately 60% (avid kindle reader here) through the book and really hooked! It is a mystery. The main character has a unique disorder that gives her very detailed basically photographic memory. She is trying to solve a case that turns out to be connected to a case that is very close and personal to her! I can't wait to see how this one ends. 

2. Sweet or Savoury?

Sweet. Always sweet. My sweet tooth is my demise. I enjoy anything that is sweet involved and have issues following correct portions on those items! I have recently been trying to take a stand against them and have been doing pretty well. 

3. What is your favorite color?

Teal is my favorite color. I really began to like it a few years back and used it as an accent color in our wedding. Yellow has been rising in the ranks lately though. I like yellow particularly when paired up with gray. 

4. What is your favourite food?

This is a hard one, because I love to cook and eat! I would have to say pizza. If it were "appropriate" for an adult to eat pizza daily, I would be that adult. I think because you can get variety, so it is the same thing but with a different taste. I heard about a guy who ate pizza for every meal every day for over a year. He spoke about how difficult it was to find someone to date him. He didn't find me soon enough! Probably a good thing.

5. Where were you born and where do you live?

I was born in the small town of Maryville, IL and have only moved a few miles away since. I lived in Maryville until just two years ago. I love this area, because it is so close to St. Louis. It is the best of both worlds. I don't have to deal with the hassle of a city daily, but it is right there when I want to do something. 

6. If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would it be?

Are we saying anyone? Can it be a person from the past? This is going to seem weird. I would have dinner with Abraham Lincoln. I have an odd fascination with him. I even got engaged directly in front of his Springfield, IL home. 

7. Any bad habits?

I think anyone who says they don't have bad habits is lying. It is human nature to have at least one or two bad habits. I would say one of my bad habits is to leave lights/electronics/appliances on. That is probably one of the things Mike has to remind the most. Whether it is the light, tv, oven, etc. I just get distracted and go on with my day. Don't worry. After nearly four years together and over two years married, Mike knows to check the stove shortly after dinner. 

8. What have you been procrastinating on?
Finishing a book I started a few months ago. We read The Stand (newer uncut version) by Stephen King for book club. Well, they read it. I got half way through and then actually skipped a meeting because I do want to finish it. I have just struggled to pick it back up (click on it) and get back to reading. 
9. What is a strange fact about you?
I have to have all doors closed in the room I'm sleeping in to be able to sleep. My grandma told me I have always been like this. I don't know what started it. I have no terrifying or traumatizing memory to go along with this need. Every door, even closet doors, have to be closed or I can't sleep. For the same reason, you will never find my sleeping on my couch (unless I fall asleep while sick for a nap). It is open concept to the kitchen and dining room, so I can't "close off" the room. I also only nap when I'm sick. I don't know why, but I can't fall asleep during the day otherwise.
10. Hobbies?
Crafting, cooking, and reading. I absolutely love finding a new craft or recipe to try. The problem is I will find a recipe we really enjoy, but then move on to a ton of different new recipes and forget about the one we liked. I'm trying to get better at adding things into my actual paper recipe book when we really like it. Easier than flipping through tons of bookmarks on my laptop or pins on pinterest. 
I hope you have enjoyed a little look at me, grief aside. If you have ever wondered something about me, and I didn't approach it here, ask me in the comments! I am not my grief. 

Sunday, June 1, 2014


I haven't written in a while, again. I feel like I've said that every time I write lately. 

It has been a exhausting month (or so) full of doctors and blood tests. Searching for answers. 

While all of this has been overwhelming, it is also comforting. Listening to the results was overwhelming and sharing them with family was even more so. It took me a while to work up to writing this post to share with all of our friends. 

Noonan Syndrome. 

Two simple words. All of the answers possibly wrapped up in two simple words. The genetic specialist believes Connor had Noonan Syndrome. This would not necessarily be a fatal diagnosis. Why was it for Connor? We will never know. 

If you decide to Google Noonan Syndrome, please look at support websites. They are the kindest way to find out information. You will see pictures of happy healthy kids and adults. Noonan Syndrome effects learning, heart and blood function, appearance, and other things. 

We will never know 100% if Connor for sure had Noonan Syndrome. It is impossible to give a 100% diagnosis, since he isn't here to run more tests. However, pretty much everything in his autopsy adds up with Noonan Syndrome. 

I didn't feel like this blog, which I have used to document my grief, would ever be truly complete without including these results. 

They ran extensive tests on me, and nothing alarming was found. This is good news. This means that Connor's disorder was most certainly a "sporadic mutation". While that sounds like a bad thing, it just means that it wasn't in our genes. This mean that there is pretty much no chance of it happening again. This gives some comfort moving forward. 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Lessons of Grief

I know I have been quiet lately. I have opened my blog many times to write out a new post. I just haven't had it in me. I have been having a hard time lately, and am willing to admit it. I am working through some new struggles. Writing does help me, but it can also be very tiring. It is hard to be honest with myself and others. Even more so to put it all in print for people to read and scrutinize. 

I finished my Grief Share course last week. I feel like it has helped and would recommend it to anyone who asked. Some of the last sessions were dedicated to "20 lessons of grief". These helped me to reflect upon what my grief has "taught" me. I may not have 20, but I do have some lessons I think are worth mentioning. However, today I want to share with you some things that my grief has taught me:

Saturday, March 29, 2014

The Question(s)

I've been wanting to write about this for a while. I feel like now is the time. 

I hear you in the grocery store, or at a family function. 
I see your comments, and questions, on Facebook. 

Sometimes to family.
Sometimes to coworkers.
Sometimes to near strangers.

It, honestly, is not your business. 
Not only is it not your business, it can be hurtful. 
However, you think it is a cute and funny question.

I'm talking about a few forms of the same question: 
When are you going to start your family? 
Are you pregnant? 
Are you trying for a baby (or trying again)? 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

My New Normal

I have changed the name of my blog. You have probably already realized that. All of my stories and posts are still here. You can still click the button to the right, to read Connor's story. The reason I started writing. 

I just never really liked the blog name "Live, Laugh, Read". I had to name the blog, to be able to start writing. I had no clue what I wanted to name it at the time. I just wanted to write. I threw something in the text box. I thought "Who cares? I will mostly be writing to myself anyway." Turns out, I cared. Every time I wrote a post, there was that blog title staring at me. I had to fix it. 

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Connor's Birthday

I put up a short post yesterday. It included a picture from yesterday. I wanted to share a little more about our day. I can't believe a year has passed already. It went unbelievably quick. 

My mom and I spent the first part of the day together. We went to lunch, then we picked out some special balloons for the Angel of Hope. We got five balloons; red, orange, yellow, blue, and green. When we got to the Angel of Hope, I told my mom I wasn't going to release them. I wanted to just leave them at his brick. Right as I walked up to Connor's brick the red balloon untied somehow, and blew away. I joked with my mom that I guess Connor wanted that balloon. I said we can just leave the rest. Then, the orange one popped. 

At this point, I said I think he is saying he wants the stinking balloons, so we released them. 

Sunday, March 2, 2014


Today, I was rereading the cards we received last March after losing Connor. This was a suggestion made in my Grief Share class. I decided to do it, because I realized I couldn't even remember who had sent a card at this point. We received so many, which was very nice, but I was beyond cherishing cards at that point. I wanted to reread all of those kind messages written to us. 

While looking through the cards, I found this bookmark tucking/attached inside of one. It is a perfect message for this coming week. I don't know why I didn't tear it out last year. Maybe, it was meant to be there for me to find this year. 

Sometimes, you find just what you need, right when you need it.