I hear you in the grocery store, or at a family function.
I see your comments, and questions, on Facebook.
Sometimes to family.
Sometimes to coworkers.
Sometimes to near strangers.
It, honestly, is not your business.
Not only is it not your business, it can be hurtful.
However, you think it is a cute and funny question.
I'm talking about a few forms of the same question:
When are you going to start your family?
Are you pregnant?
Are you trying for a baby (or trying again)?
- When are you going to start your family?
This is usually posed to that young, married, couple. Maybe to others, but usually it starts right after the wedding. When? When will you have kids? You for sure can't feel like life is complete, without trying for a baby. Start right away. It just isn't any of your business. If one, or both, of those people want you to know their plans, they will tell you. If they bring it up, sure talk about it. Don't bombard though. Don't randomly assume you are entitled to this information. It is a personal decision.
Also, every family looks different. A couple may not be able to have children, or may make the choice not to have children. That doesn't mean they don't have a "family." Asking this question implies that you don't believe they have a family, until there is a baby involved.
- Are you pregnant?
This is for pretty much any young adult female. I don't ever post on Facebook about feeling sick anymore. I don't post it on Facebook, because it is 100% guaranteed, that no matter what symptoms I post, someone will respond with "Are you pregnant?!" Nope. No, I'm not pregnant, just because I'm sick. There are lots of germs that go around, that don't include pregnancy at all. This should not be an okay, common response to pretty much anything a female says or posts. However, it is a common response.
"I'm not feeling good."
"Are you pregnant?"
"I'm craving XYZ."
"Are you pregnant?"
"I'm tired."
"Are you pregnant?"
Maybe it is wishful thinking. Maybe you think you are funny. Stop.
I cringe when I see these responses on Facebook, or hear them in public.
Even if the person is pregnant, if they haven't told you, they obviously don't want you to know.
- Are you trying for a baby (or trying again)?
This is very similar to "When are you going to start a family?". So, apply all those notes here.
However, let's add a little more.
After we lost Connor, it was as if all of our personal information should be public. I can't tell you how many times I was asked, even within weeks of Connor's death, "Are you going to try again?".
I was surprised for a while. Then, it just became second nature to be asked this. Everyone felt that this was their news to know. Everyone got the same answer. A smile, along with "maybe someday." That is still the answer I give, because I'm still asked this regularly. Although now, it has transformed into when will you, not are you going to, try again.
My point of this whole post is to say, you don't know what a couple is going through. Allow them to bring up any of this information, if they want to talk about it. If they don't bring it up, guess what? It isn't your business. It seems harsh, but it's true. Just because you want to know, doesn't mean you deserve to know. It is private information, and you don't know what kind of hurt it can cause.
The thing is, people who are struggling with infertility don't usually wear t-shirts announcing it. The constant questioning only makes it worse. We need to work as a society, really I think it is this important, to make it less common to ask these questions.
I will step off my soap box now. I'm sure that most people will read this, and assume I'm just overly sensitive about it. Trust me, I have talked to a lot of people, before writing this post. I have contemplated how to write it many times. This was not a whim. This was not a personal thought, that I've never shared with others, or me just having a bad day.
This is something that has happened to me, and around me, multiple times a week.
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