It isn't just any teddy bear. It is the teddy bear I received at the hospital after we lost Connor. There are pictures of Connor with this teddy bear. I have not been ready to look at them, but I know they are there. I know he spent time with this bear.
Remember day one? I said quiet time is the hardest. Night time can be the worst. I am stuck at night time. I can't just keep going to keep my mind off things. This is when my mind begins to race. I lie there for hours some nights, thinking about anything and everything.
Some nights, when I am having a particularly hard time, I hold this teddy bear. It isn't every night. It isn't even necessarily every week.
I'm going to be completely honest. When they handed me this bear at the hospital I thought "Why on earth would I want a freaking teddy bear? I just lost my child. Is this suppose to console me?" I set the bear in the nursery and didn't look at it for a few months. Anytime I did I would get angry. Who would give someone without a child to give it to a teddy bear?
Then, one night, I was having a particularly hard time. I decided to go look through Connor's things. Just be close to "him". I came across that bear again. I picked it up. I snuggled it a minute. I thought "yup, you're coming with me." That was the first night I held that bear all night long.
I'm not replacing Connor when I hold the bear. I'm allowing myself to closer to him, by being closer to something he once was near. When working through grief, you do what you have to to keep going. Even if that thing is usually reserved for people three and under.
October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. I'm participating in the Capture Your Grief project. This project was set up by another blogger. It is a way to travel through grief, with others. I will not stress myself out if I don't get every single day. Some days may only be posted here, others only on Facebook, and some on both media outlets. Read more about it at this website.
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