Release. I have been trying hard to release one thing since losing Connor. This one thing that can instantly make me cry, if I allow myself to think about it for even a second.
I need to release any and all guilt.
My doctor, and many others, have told me many times that it was nothing I did. It was just a fluke of nature. However, it is harder than said to release that guilty feeling. That feeling of well maybe I could have saved him. What if I would have known he was fading away? I should have been able to tell he was gone.
I just have to let it go. I can't change it. Thinking about it doesn't help me, or anyone. It instantly crushes me when I think about the "what ifs". There are a lot that can float around your head. Especially, when all else is quiet.
I am going to keep up a conscious effort to release the guilt. I am going to stop blaming myself, for something I didn't do. I think this is crucial in this whole grieving process.
Wish me good luck. I am my harshest critic.
October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. I'm participating in the Capture Your Grief project. This project was set up by another blogger. It is a way to travel through grief, with others. I will not stress myself out if I don't get every single day. Some days may only be posted here, others only on Facebook, and some on both media outlets. Read more about it at this website.
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