Healing

This week's writing prompt: 

5.) A quote you saw on Pinterest that inspired you.

Source

I have had to consciously give myself permission to heal. I know it sounds silly. It really does. However, there is something in the back of the mind that nags and says "if you aren't sad, you don't care." It isn't just me. I have heard others say it. I have read other's words saying pretty much the same thing. When you lose someone, not necessarily even a child, you have to give yourself permission to heal. 

Mama Kat's topic I chose this week was to write a post inspired by a Pinterest quote. I thought, "Perfect. I will just find a cute quote and write out a funny post." Sorry, that didn't happen. When I saw this quote, it instantly spoke to me. I needed to use this quote. 

This speaks volumes to me and where I am at right now. It has been nearly five months since we lost Connor. Five months. I had to recount that. It feels too big and too small of a number all at once. As the fog, and stun, of losing Connor started to wear off, I was able to start actually processing things better. In the beginning, it was more automatic. Wake up. Shower. Work. Eat. Sleep. I cried a lot sure, but it was just more automatic than anything. I would say it took a few months before things really started to "defog" and I could start really thinking about what happened in a different way. 

I am healing. I heal with every day I wake up. I heal with every smile and laugh. I heal with every time I do something "normal". It is something I had to give myself permission to do though. I allowed myself to hold my friend's baby during a day of fun and not be sad for what I have lost. I let myself just be happy to enjoy holding that precious baby. I could have thought about it more and made it a sad occasion. I could have sobbed. My friend would have hugged me and understood. However, sometimes it is more healing to just smile instead. It is definitely less exhausting. 

I also heal through allowing myself to say no. If I don't want to make a drive to an occasion. If I just want to lay on the couch and watch television. If I don't want to see certain things in my newsfeed on Facebook anymore. It's okay. I just say no. I hide the thing I don't want to see. I tell the person I'm just going to stay home. It really works. People understand. I, in a sense, allow myself to be selfish. 

No matter what you may be going through, just remember it is okay to heal. It is okay to smile. It is okay to be selfish. Allow yourself whatever helps you to heal, as long as it isn't self harming of course. Trust me. "Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives." And it shouldn't. Not forever.