So, I still have to go shopping.

We lost Connor in March.While, I feel like we are doing much better, it is still the everyday stuff that sneaks up on me. 


I still go on Facebook. I know I could give this up, but I don't want to. I happen to know a lot of people who were due right around when Connor was due, May 17. Now, I know that everyone says "it seemed like pregnant people were everywhere after I lost my baby." However, they are literally everywhere on my Facebook. Not misusing that word. I can't go a few hours without a picture of a new baby or information from a pregnant person. 

I have started to hide them from my wall, and not feel guilty. There will be a day that I can unhide them, but for now it is better. I don't necessarily need to see a daily picture of your newborn or have a daily update of your pregnancy. I am not bitter and I do not hide all pregnant people. I have some pregnant people, one in particular, who I hold near and dear to my heart. I just can't handle the people who bombard the info all over their page. 

I still have to not be bitter while listening to complaints. I have loss some sympathy with my loss of Connor. I don't have much sympathy for the single mom complaining that she won't get any gifts for Mother's Day, because her child is too young to shop by itself. I would have given up every present for the rest of my life to have Connor safe and sound in my arms. I don't have much sympathy for the constant complaints about morning sickness or being tired. I would take all symptoms you could throw at me at once to have Connor. I realize that these woman have not gone through what I have gone through. This is the problem in their life right now, and they get the right to complain. I just have lost a lot of sympathy. 

I still have to go shopping. Whether for groceries, clothes, medicine, or even gas. I still have to get myself out of the house and collect whatever is needed. I have found myself sticking to stores that I am familiar with at this point. I know where they stash the baby section. I don't avoid it, but I know it is coming. It can't sneak up on me. I allowed myself to be sad as I picked out a birthday present for a baby turning one right around Connor's due date. I let myself realize I need to process some occasions I have lost, such as birthday parties. 

I still have to check my e-mail and mail. So, I was so excited to be pregnant. I signed up for tons of baby e-mails and goodies/coupons. Most respected my need to be canceled, but some hang out still sending me updates and information. I still get a monthly issue of American Baby. Anymore, I just fog over and throw them out or delete the e-mail. In the beginning of the loss it was a lot harder to see a subject of "You're 36 weeks pregnant!" Please Gerber, fix your unsubscribe button so that it actually does something. I clicked it at least five times. 

I'm still happy for others. The hardest thing for others after we lost Connor was to be happy around us, especially about a new baby. I am still happy for you. I am overjoyed you have that precious bundle of joy. Please, don't hush as I walk towards you down the hallway or not share information because it may make me sad. You're right. It may make me sad, but that is okay. I am still happy for you. 

If you are dealing with a loss, you have to deal with it in the way that is best for you. Me? I chose exposure. I needed to allow myself to grieve events and move on. This isn't saying I forced myself every time. I avoided a few baby showers and hid a few people on Facebook. However, trust me. You cannot avoid pregnancies or babies in the world. You have to learn to move past it. I send endless virtual hugs and support to people who are dealing with a loss. If you find me and feel you can, please reach out. I'm here for you. 

In the meantime, I still have to go shopping.