The Holidays.

I'm back. October's blogging took a lot out of me. Not only writing a post daily, but a post about something that caused me to evaluate small, specific, parts of my grief. It was worth every second, but emotionally exhausting. I needed a breather. It took longer than I anticipated to feel like writing a post again. I'm okay with that though. I don't make myself put time limits on anything. On November 1, I thought I will take a week or so off. Nearly four weeks later, I'm here.  


"Capture Your Grief" was one of the most difficult and freeing things I have done. It really caused me to reevaluate a lot of things. It felt like I cleared my mind in multiple ways. As I anticipated, some people removed me from their Facebook friend list. That's okay. I know that most people don't want to think about pregnancy and infant loss. It isn't a pleasant topic. People tend to think if they don't acknowledge it, it will never happen to or around them. Go ahead. It isn't contagious, but allow that thought to comfort you. I understand if they can't handle my talking about it. It won't stop me though. Breaking the silence is important to me and to the child loss community. 

I think the project helped me to prepare for the hardest time, the holidays. Now, I'm not going to pretend I'm all smiles. I am a mess. Seriously. A tears at any moment mess. However, I still think I am doing better than I would have. I can still have happy moments within the being a mess. I am just going to survive the holidays. I don't anticipating thriving and enjoying them as I did in the past. 

This year will be very different. I'm going to help myself through it by allowing myself to be selfish. Yup. How's that for holiday spirit? I will think about myself first and foremost. 

I am skipping Thanksgiving this year. Completely skipping it. My family didn't seem to like the idea at first. I think they were mostly concerned about me. I have decided though that it is completely okay to skip it. I am going to relax at home. Maybe I will get junk food and watch horrible movies on Netflix. Maybe I will sleep all day or read all day. Maybe I will let myself be sad and cry for hours, instead of fighting it and thinking positive, because fighting it is exhausting sometimes. I am going to do whatever I feel like doing basically all day long. 

I'm not decorating for Christmas this year. I usually use my day off work after Thanksgiving to decorate the house. I'm not making myself decorate. I am really anxious and sad about Christmas arriving quickly. I think looking at decorations daily will make it worse. 

Plus, this is the first year Ella isn't kenneled while we are at work. I can only imagine the carnage and stress. I will look at other's decorations, when I'm feeling like I want to see Christmas lights. I will not bombard myself with them at my house. I need a safe zone.

So, forgive me if I seem like a scrooge this year. Next year, I will participate like "normal", if I feel like it. For now, I'm being selfish. That is my gift to myself. 

I still wish you and your family the happiest of holidays.