Happy 2nd Birthday, Connor!

It's a girl!

It has been a while since my last blog post. 
The last one was in early October. 

I could say that life has been busy. That I just haven't had time to get on here to post any updates. The truth is that in October we got big news. News that our family will be growing. While this news is fabulous, long waited for news, there are mixed feelings when you have a past like mine. 

Don't get me wrong, there is joy. Endless joy. I couldn't be more excited about this little one coming. However, within the cracks of that joy many things peek through. Fear. Anxiety. Worry. 

I have worked on staying positive since we found out that we are expecting a baby in June. Keeping those scary thoughts away is at times a full time job. They always lurk under the surface ready to pop up when least expected. 

We have been as cautious as can be. There have been extra ultrasounds, specialists, genetic tests, and just a ton of general caution against any "dangers". Everything has gone fantastic. There have been no indicators of any issues to come. 

Most recently, there was an ultrasound with a high risk specialist. As she sat there telling me a few times "Everything is going to be fine. She looks great!", I of course felt reassurance. However, what creeps along with that is "How can you be so certain?" 

As I get further along, and other pregnant women's minds have moved on from any big fears, my fears pop up more and more. 

I don't allow these thoughts to stay long. They are not welcome visitors in my mind. They intrude and are rude, and then are shown the door promptly. As I know, they don't help anything. 

As we move forward I know that we have an incredible amount of family, friends, and medical professionals on our side. I know that hundreds of prayers are sent up daily just for this little girl. I truly appreciate every single one of them. 

Thank you to everyone who has shown support so far. The amount has been overwhelming and amazing. 

Share Walk 2014

Today was a very special day for me. It was one of those mornings when I got to stop everything for a few hours and simply honor Connor. I posted about the Share Walk last year. Here are some pictures from this years walk. 


I am lucky enough to help organize and set up the walk each year. It is truly a fabulous experience. I feel like I am being productive in Connor's name. It gives me a way to physically honor him, helping to arrange this special day for so many families. 

There is a banner each year. Families may write a message. This banner is then used to lead the walk. They are used as decoration in the following years. This was only my second year, but I already enjoyed going back and looking at messages to/about Connor from last years banner. 

We have a balloon release. While I know it isn't the best for the environment, isn't it special and beautiful? 

 I have featured the Angel of Hope on my blog a few times. The walk ends at the Angel, where we read "We Remember" and left carnations on the Angel. 

Seriously, though. The absolutely best part of the day is just the pure feeling of love and support. I felt completely wrapped in it throughout the whole special morning. Thank you to everyone who came to support the walk and/or sent me messages throughout the morning. I am so fortunate to have so many supportive people in my life. 

Insta Friday

It's late and I've had some wine, but I don't want to not post this week's Insta Friday! It has been a very quick, extremely busy week!

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A dear friend recently posted this quote on his business page. You see, he is in the business of grief. He owns a funeral home. I don't know how he deals with it. I don't know how he walks into that business every day knowing he is facing people in the worst times of their lives. He is meant to do it. He is good at it. He is there to comfort, and to say the right things at the right times. I know, because he has been there through my own grief. I will be forever grateful for him. 

This quote meant a lot to me, because it seemed just perfect to describe how I feel. I am a "rememberer." I am the one on this earth who is made to remember Connor. He was a part of me. Who else could remember him better? 

I feel though that sometimes people confuse remembering with obsessing or not "moving on". I hate that phrase moving on by the way. I feel like it was invented to make the grieving feel guilty. Doesn't it just sound awful to "move on"? You can, however, move on and not forget. You can still mention your loved one and be "moving on". 

I feel like I am in a good place. I am in a better place than I ever imagined I could be just 15 months ago. I felt like I could never breath normally again back then. Now, I go weeks without crying. I still remember. I still speak his name. That will never stop. He is and always will be my first born son. 

It just isn't the same. Remembering and being stuck in grief. Please don't assume that just because I mention him or seem down on some days, just because I share articles or speak about breaking the silence "still", that I am stuck in my grief. 

I am growing daily, within this grief that will always be with me. 

I'll miss you, summer!

I'm mixing it up this week and doing my writer's workshop on Saturday. I have just had a crazy busy week! I was gone every evening. I'm glad to find some time to write a post today and relax. 

I can't say that summer is my favorite season. I prefer the weather of spring. I need the cool breeze. I don't like getting hot and sweaty right after I took a shower. My super pale skin does not appreciate the sun glaring down on it. Even when greased down with sunscreen, I always end up red. 

This summer has been the best one in a while though! The weather has been fabulous most of the time and I had a great summer job. 

Here are six things I will miss about summer: 

Insta Friday

It's that time again! Insta Friday.. what a busy week I've had!

While visiting a friend a few hours away, we ate at this yummy restaurant!

Currently...

This is a post that I did last July and fully intended on repeating it more often than over a year later! Here are some things that are going on in my life currently... 

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Insta Friday

I love spoiling Ella. 

While at Petco, I decided she "needed" to try a sampling of these puppy cookies.